I am 27 years old, and my partner is 26. We have been together for about a year. Before that we were best friends for 5. We moved in together as friends, and fell in love. It has been difficult sometimes, as it can be when friends get together, but until recently things couldn’t have been better between us. However about 7 weeks ago he became very stressed and anxious over work, started having mild panic attacks, and as a result he couldn’t get an erection. He didn’t really explain this at the time, so after about a week I finally asked him about it, and he said that it was just temporary, that he was still very attracted to me and that he loved me. As he hadn’t explained this before though, I had become very confused and distressed in the mean time.
It is now 6 weeks later, and the problem is still on going. It is not that he can’t get an erection now, as he does, but when we try to have sex he loses it. He says it is due to nerves now, because he became self conscious when he couldn’t get an erection, which i understand can happen. The problem is I don’t know what to do about it. I have tried just relaxing and ignoring that there is a problem, and I have tried talking to him about it, but both just seem to magnify the problem, and as the problem obviously isn’t physical, he doesn’t want to see a doctor. He reacted quite defensively when I suggested that maybe there was some kind of help available for him. Although he is very kind and loving, it seems as though preserving his ego in this case is much more important to him than his desire to be with me.
I know this makes him feel inadequate, so I know Im supposed to just leave him be to figure it out, but while sex certainly wasn’t the only thing in our relationship, it was a big part of it, and I don’t know how to get used to not being together in that way. It is very difficult to be relaxed and supportive when Im feeling inadequate and sad myself. It is also difficult to be supportive of someone who doesn’t want to admit that there is a ‘problem’. Obviously there would be too much pressure on both of us if we tried to have sex right now, seeing as it has become a ‘thing’. I can’t help but think though, that if we continue to just leave things the way they are, eventually we will become used to not seeing each other in a sexual way and that aspect of our relationship will be lost. It feels sad to me to think that we can’t have that passion and desire, but maybe that is actually ok. Im sure there are couples out there where sex doesn’t play a role in their relationship, but Im not sure how to become one of them. Thinking about this is filling my days and affecting how I act with everyone, and I feel ashamed that an absence of sex can have this much impact on me.
Any advice at all, from men or women, would be so much appreciated. There just doesn’t seem to be a way out of this cycle. If we try and have any kind of sex we both feel nervous that it won’t work and therefore it doesn’t. He feels like a failure and I feel rejected. If we don’t have sex though we both feel self conscious that were not having sex, and I feel sad frustrated, a little angry at the situation, and scared that this will eventually mean the end of us being together at all. Advice on learning how to live without sex in a relationship is also welcome.
Thanks for listening.
I agree that he should be responsible for his own health. However we may be in a different situation from yours. I know my husband is seriously depressed. I thought he would “snap out of it” after he quit his job that was contributing to the depression. Sort of worked, but not as much as hoped.
I honestly don’t think he CAN get help on his own right now. He is so lost, I don’t think he can find the way out, so I have had to take the lead. I suggested he was depressed. He finally agreed. I suggested and contacted a new doctor. He went and finally admitted that he had a problem. He finally agreed to try antidepressants a month after the Dr. suggested it. I suggested counseling. He has agreed to give it a try. Yes, it feels like I’m spoon-feeding sometimes, but maybe that is what it takes now to get him on the right road.
I have a little bit of experience of how it is for him. I have a thyroid disease, and in the years it took to get diagnosed, it was hard to get the will to do anything about it some days. Went to several doctors only to be told it was “all in my head”. I remember the “brain fog” of not being able to think clearly due to the disease. Hubby had to keep convincing me that I wasn’t imagining it and to try another doctor. Sometimes you need someone to advocate for you when you just can’t any more. But that is completely different from having someone tell you that you are responsible for their happiness!
As for the scapegoating part, well, I don’t like it, but I think I’m going to have to suck it up for now. I keep telling myself this little mantra, “It’s the depression talking”. I hope that it’s true. Only time will tell.
(BTW, that therapist could be on to something about the mothers. Hubby’s mom isn’t exactly the most loving and nurturing person. Ever see the Sopranos? Hubby’s mom is eerily similar to Tony’s mom, Lavinia.) No joke.
You want to make some kind of progress and thats a specific thing that will change things. I have to admit that my first reaction to doing this wasn’t very supportive. There is still a lot of stigma about “shrinks” and I was buying into that. You can tell your husband for me that its nothing like I thought and it has been positive.
*Its not like that Simpsons Cartoon where Homer assumes the doctor is going to blame him for everything then the doctor write “Problem = Homer” Its dumb but I think no matter how many times I “relearn” that doctors can be a good thing I have to relearn it with each doctor.
Its really important that you don’t make his ED make you feel bad about yourself because one thing I think we have all learned from this forum is that its not your fault. Honest!
to really talk about it. And how many of us are really that good really talking about being intimate / sexual? One of the few good things about this is that you will probably learn a lot about what makes each other tick in the bedroom department.
And – again don’t think this is your fault. Medical issues are almost always the cause. Men don’t really have control over erections. My analogy is that its like the iris opening up in the dark and shrinking in the light. You don’t have control over the iris and erections are pretty similar.
I have news for you….I have been speaking to a few select women and I can tell you that this is very common. We all feel like we are being scapegoated in one way or another.
Both my current and my first husband had the tendency to hold me responsible for their happiness, although my first husband was waaaaay worse with it.
I think it may go back to their mothers, at least that’s what one therapist tells me, FWIW. I mean, who knows and at this point (I’m 57) who cares.
I’m getting to old and have way less energy to deal with “fixing” him..bottom line, I laid it out to him, he has to take himself in hand (no pun intended) and take care of his health. He is not my child, he is a full grown adult male.
I have looked at statistics and divorces initiated by women in their 50′s are becoming very common and I think this issue may be one of the reasons.
We just get to the point where, if he doesn’t take responsibility and own the outcome of his actions, well, what can I tell you.Some women are just going to feel trapped and guess what happens next?
Some will suffer in silence, or spend the next few (and last) decades of their lives fighting…some will simply understand that they might be better off alone.
Sorry for the rant but the word scapegoat really got to me, because it’s been in my head for a long time.
when we think about it, so I hope this is the worst time…I don’t want to think about how it could be worse!
So far, we have 100mg, and that only works some of the time, so I don’t know what to make of that. I suspect there is an emotional aspect to it as well now, so that could be causing the inconsistent results. Dr.has already checked for low testosterone, and that was “normal”, but they didn’t give me a number, so I will have to find out what that “normal” result was.
His reaction is key to
> how I handle it in a way. Just turning over and going to sleep without a word
> when it doesn’t work is not a good space for me. If he goes on a downer, my own
> response is impacted as well.
I agree, this has been the difficult part. I don’t like the “silence”, but what do you say that isn’t going to make it worse? Very uncomfortable place to be. Sometimes he is angry at himself afterwards, and that is not a nice situation, either. Can’t say, “it’s alright” because he’ll just counter that it isn’t. Argh! It is very frustrating, isn’t it? I am at least glad that I am not the only one that this happens to or who feels this way. At a minimum it is a comfort to know there are similar stories.
Give the antidepressants 3 weeks to see improvement is my understanding. What dose of Cialis (Tadalafil) is your husband on? Mine is on 20mg so my husband’s doctor prescribes the 40mg tablets and he just half them so one pill is effectively 2. I don’t know if this is an option for you.
Around 6-9 months was the worst time for us. A few months later and things are starting to improve here as we learn to work with it and my husband’s attitude is changing a bit and he reacts in a more positive way. His reaction is key to how I handle it in a way. Just turning over and going to sleep without a word when it doesn’t work is not a good space for me. If he goes on a downer, my own response is impacted as well.
The part where you can’t do anything right seems to be a very common theme. The embarrassment of speaking to a doctor of the “wrong” gender is one of the issues I had but in reverse. I thought telling another guy would be awful so I switched to a female doctor. *I think I got a much better doctor as well!
In regards to the depression meds. Your right about it taking a while before they do anything. I think its up to 6 weeks before they build up? Or whatever the term is. The dose and maybe the type can all be a factor as well. Some of these drugs can muck up sex drive or make it difficult to orgasm. Working very closely with the doctor and perhaps adding some talk therapy to help adjust things are (I think) excellent idea.
Running out of pills or just affording them is a problem that so many of us have dealt with. Talking to your doctor about samples may help or pill splitting if the drug is effective in half (or even 1/4) doses. Talk about alternatives or additions to the pills. A VED can work anytime you like and for as many times as you like. *Ask the doctor for a prescription because the OTC ones (some) are junk or not really designed for men with ED. Surgery is another option that once done works when you like for as long as you like. That maybe a tad scary but talk about all the options and keep talking. Talking about it starts REALLY hard. He is probably mortified that you think less of him and worried that people will find out and freak out. I was in a panic that the pharmacy folks were laughing everytime I filled a prescription. Yes, I know how dumb that sounds but this takes a while. And of course he thinks that he is the only one that has this problem and or that he is less of a man because it happened to him.
From everything I’ve learned its almost always medical. I’m not saying he won’t get depression along with this btw. It seems that men are fairly prone to depression over serious medical issues. And btw thats another issue that men are truly awful at admitting or dealing with. Finding the right doctor who he can talk it over with is huge.
One small thing that helped was when my wife stopped walking on eggshells over this. Another was when she said that our post ED sex life was pretty great and that if nothing else the improved communication was pretty good. Oh! And my no longer avoiding the doctor was a huge relief not just for the ED but things like yearly physicals, etc. Or as my doctor said “not waiting until blood was shooting out or a bone was sticking out before seeing her”
One of the issues always seems to be getting used to this. All I can say is that this can seem to be a titanic issue to your guy but its doesn’t have to be. Its different and change is always difficult.
Hang in there and try to not hold this against him long term it really IS difficult for us guys on a number of levels.
I’m feeling overwhelmed, but relieved to finally have someone to talk to about this. Now I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been holding this all in for months because, like what said in a previous post, who do you talk about these things with?
I am in my mid 40′s as is my spouse of 20+ years. We have been dealing with ED for the last 6-9 months. At first, we thought it was just the stress of work. It’s been a bad year and it would make sense that stress would affect this. Hubby also has been diabetic for the last 10 years, so that doesn’t help. His blood sugar has been terrible the last 6 months due to the above stress. A lot of changes have been made, including his quitting his job to start his own business. That has helped somewhat.
He wouldn’t talk to his doctor because she was female. I suggested a male doctor, but nothing was done. I finally had to go and make the appointment with the new doctor. Oh, yes, another big piece – he is suffering from depression also. A big step was made with the new doctor where he admitted both the depression and ED problems. Doc gave a script for an anti-depressant and viagara to try. Tried the Viagara right away. Seems like it only works 1 in 3 times. Also, the insurance company limits us to 8 pills/month, so don’t want to “waste” them, but that’s a whole separate issue I’m sure many of you have dealt with!
Big step #2 was he finally agreed to try the anti-depressant. (It is one that has “less” ED related side effects) Week 1 there was significant improvement. We’re only in Week 2, and now he’s back to his “normal” depressed self. I know it takes time to really kick in and there are inevitable dosage adjustments, but I was so hopeful last week.
The depression and ED are such a vicious cycle, though. He can’t keep and erection, so he can’t orgasm, which makes him more depressed. But the depression is not helping the ED, either. I’m sure this is also a common story.
What really gets me is that I have no idea how to react to all this. I have been really calm and supportive about the whole thing. I am trying really hard not to break down and be strong for him and the rest of our family despite my own troubles. I am now the supporting income and health benefits for the family, and we recently had layoffs out of the blue at my work. I was fortunately not laid off, but it was very stressful waiting to hear. I have since been looking for a new job since things are still shaky at work. I was recently offered a new and better job, which I am going to be starting soon, so that has me both relieved but anxious.
Everything I say about the depression and ED to hubby turns out to be wrong. He says it’s like I’m deliberately trying to hurt him, but that is the farthest thing from my mind. Like the other day, he said he needs sex to feel loved. OK, I understand that. I said that I was more than willing to have sex with him, but I didn’t think that would help. In my mind, I wanted to reassure him that I still found him attractive and desirable, but the part about not helping was that I was afraid it would just frustrate him since he can’t keep the erection, which would just make the situation worse. Well, this was apparently the Wrong Thing to say, because he got very angry and slept downstairs, and I still have no idea why. I have tried showing intimacy in other ways so that he knows I still love him very much, but sometimes he just doesn’t want to be touched. So I don’t. But then the next day, he’ll turn around and tell me that he feels distant and unloved.
I feel like I can’t win. Now I have tried that when he tells me something and I don’t know how to react/respond, I nod and say I understand. I’m afraid to say any more for fear of it being the Wrong Thing yet again. So now when I’m silent, he says I’m punishing him. I told him it would help if he told me how he would like me to respond, but he couldn’t seem to come up with an answer himself. If he doesn’t know how he wants me to respond, how do I have a hope of doing so?
Is this a common theme, or am I just totally clueless? He says to me all the time that I just don’t understand what’s going on in his head even though we have been together 25 years. I told him that I’m not a mind reader, I don’t know what is going on in his head if he doesn’t tell me.
How does everyone handle this with their partners? Did you feel lost? He is my best friend and he is just as lost as I am. I feel like I live with Jekyll and Hyde. I have no idea which one I am going to get when I wake up or come home from work.
Any reassurance at this point would be helpful. Is all of this a “normal” part of ED?
Anyway, if you have made it this far, thanks for listening. It does at least feel better to know that there are other people out there who have felt the same way.
You have some pretty strong feelings about an implant so that probably is not an answer for you. Also, you are quite young. Others think implants are fine or at least something they can work with. Yes, I would think there would be a difference between a good “healthy” natural hard on and one that was produced by an implant. If the cylinders were full and the penis was “erect” I could see how the head would not be affected because there would be no fluid sent there. There is a site called erection photos. It is not meant to be a porn site but shows how different men’s erections are different from one another as far as angle, size, foreskin coverage, etc. There are some pictures on that site of men who use an implant. You may want to check that out. I’m new to this site so I don’t know how many guys here have implants and how they have worked out for them and for their partners. Perhaps some would like to comment?
I don’t know how old the man with the implant, do they use sildenafil citrate or any other meds – is that my urologist talked about nor how old his girlfriend is. Also, I don’t know anything about her previous sex life so I don’t know what she has been used to from a man. There are other factors which are important in sex besides how hard or how big the man’s penis is. If he is considerate of her needs and feelings that can mean a lot to a woman.
I had quadruple bypass surgery in September 1995 and have been on blood pressure medication plus cholesterol lowering medication for years. Both of these are known as erection killers. In Sept 2004 I had my prostate removed because of cancer. I had suffered from prostate problems for years so in addition to beta blockers for blood pressure I was also on alpha blockers for prostate problems. My doctor prescribed Viagra and some times it worked and some times not. Since my radical prostatectomy in Sept 2004 I have had one erection firm enough for penetration and completion of the sex act.
My wife suffers from bursitis and arthritis and sex is uncomfortable and painful for her. She thinks we are old enough now and my lack of erections is nature telling me to stop the sex thing.
The penis has shrunk from the normal aging process plus and also the shrinking expected after prostate removal.
I like a woman’s input. We are both in our 50s. Inever realized women our age could have such a high sex drive. I am not completely impotent, but I cannot go nearly as often as she wants. We have pretty much settled into a routine of me giving her oral, and she seems to like it. So I don’t think she will leave for someone younger right now. But I wonder if she will eventually get bored.
so I hope you don’t mind me responding to this post. I am a 36 y/o female and I strongly believe that if my partner is willing to work on his ED issues and not reject me then I would not leave. As long as he holds me and gives me attention in other ways and would be willing to use toys and imagination….Im NOT going anywhere because I love him for more than his penis. Since I turned 34 I realize that intercourse is definiately not everything. I need the mental stimulation as well. I feel in love with my SO before we even had sex.
I think problems arise more when the man gives up completely, ignores his ED issue and makes the women feel rejected.
Another thought is, if you are just dating someone new you may have more of a challenge in keeping them.
because they don’t use it I can get it if I want to from pharmacy but that means a Dr visit so I get it free.
John I just returned from the Grocery store two trips to my carto unload no pain before I would have to rest in between trips.
I can only tell you that a 1000mg with a few bites of C cheese in the morning and again at night has performed a near miracle on this problem it will only take you a couple of days to notice if it will work for you.
Today I also took about 2 tablespoons of Apple cider vinegar with grape juice twice I feel much much better still to soon in this to make an all out declarationbut this is nearly unbelievable.
Seems you must have had a few girl friends and found out these answers long before now.
Usually the answer to your question is unanswerable as every gal is different.
It has been my experience with only one gal who swept me off my feet by grabbing me and giving me the kiss of a life time. Still good after 54 years.
Over the past few days there have been some “harsh” words used against other peoples choices of trying to deal with impotence. We are supposed to be members of this blog to “support and encourage” each other and for the greater part that is exactly what we are doing most of the time.
For me having impotence was very destructive. I was rapidly losing all confidence in having sex and I was very near to the edge of depression.
I was losing self esteem as a man rapidly. I tried herbal remedies with little or no success.
My doctor prescribed sildenafil citrate 100mg, thinking that it would be the better option for me. However, that turned into a nightmare for me as the sildenafil 100mg gave me the most severe lower back ache I have ever experienced in my life. It was so bad that I ended up being off work for 1 week. Sildenafil citrate is a drug that I would never take again.
I was started on cialis and it meets all my needs. It works for me just as it’s supposed to with great results. My self esteem is nearly back 100%. Pumps and implants are not required by me just now, but who knows what the future will bring.
or by hand help you achieve an erection? Are most women willing to do this for a husband/lover if that is the only way be can perform? When a new dating situation starts approaching sex, how do you think a woman will react if I ask her to do this? Doe the fact that at 58 I need physical stimulation to perform mean that I will be completely impotent any time soon?
If we do the math we can see what you are actually getting compared to what I use.
My mixture is #5 or what is called 30:1:10
Papaverine 30 mg/ml
Phentolamine 1 mg/ml
Prostaglandine 10mcg/ml (notice the change in units)
Phentolamine 0.6 mg/ml
PGE1 5.88 ug/ml = mcg/ml
I can see you are getting about 1/2 the dose per mg that I am getting.
If the prescription is genuine I would suggest increasing your dosage by 10% each injection till you creep up to about .16 cc. If you have no leakage problems you may still need some more. I am pretty sensitive to TRIMIX and only need about .08cc with my mixture #5 which costs about $101 including shipping from this Canadian Pharmacy. You should be able to ask for a prescription which you can send anywhere.
It is essential you learn how to get a reliable injection each time. The reason is, if you miss the cavity several times in a row and increase a little each time and then get the syringe in the cavity for the first time you will have a jump in dosage you don’t want.
Tease the penis to get some blood in the cavity and squeeze the blood toward the end increasing the diameter of the injection site. Bury the needle all the way to be sure you are thru the wall of the cavity and unload the syringe.
If you try to inject into a flaccid penis laying over your thigh with the walls of the penis against each other, you can not easily find where to stop the needle so it only goes into the cavity. When it goes in the wall, you get a lump that goes away but can cause scarring I have heard if you keep it up.
I was told to increase gradually to see what happens when I get more than I want. It became very uncomfortable after 2 1/2 hours.
Someone e-mailed me with a nasty e-mail accusing me of working for a company that sells penile implants and am trying to get customers, so I figure I better clear things up.
No, I do not and never have worked for an implant company, though I am flattered that you think my enthusiasm is that impressive, that you think I may be.
I came to this site in October of 2007 quite frustrated about my ” lack of sex ” life and frustrated with all the treatments out there that I found not pleasant and not worth the aggravation to have to use to be able to have sex. A few guys wrote in about having penile implants done and honestly I had never considered the thought of it, because I thought they were for old men. I’m 53 and though middle aged, I still don’t consider myself old yet. Amazingly enough I found an ad in the paper about a doctor who was holding a seminar on erectile dysfunction. I signed up and it was a complete review of all the ED aids out there. The last one being a penile implant. I talked to him afterwards a bit and asked if insurances cover the surgery and the implant and he said most do, because it falls under a quality of life issues. I came back on this site and talked more and then hit my wife with the question and the joy in her eyes settled my decision.
I haven’t even used the implant yet. Its only two weeks since surgery so I am not going to say another word about it until I have my first love making session. I have to wait six weeks after surgery to use it so as of tommorrow I have four weeks to go. The first day of spring is when I plan my initial attempt.
My enthusiasm about the implant only comes from what i’ve read and been told by others. It is a 100% cure and the fear and worry about ED actually vanishes from your thoughts, so I am told. Thats what I want most of all. I’ve lived with this for almost 15 years and as drastic as an implant may be, it seems like the thing I’ve been looking for after all these years.
I’ll be back on the first day of spring to give you all an open and honest report.
Signing off till spring..
for some types of leakage with surgery when I visited him in Boston. I understand he is now in CA and if you are willing to travel, I think he is ranked as one of the best. Not sure how to determine that for sure.
I wrote him after reading his book and got my appointment to begin trimix injection therapy in 1992. Still works about the same. Still great.
venous leak and arterial disease causing my impotence. Anyone have any experience with venous leak surgery. Found one doctor who does it abroad. Was just curious if anyone knew about results or actually had it done.
They don’t close off properly and the blood drains away into the body. Since it leaks away, an erection can’t be sustained.
The only “treatment”, if you can call it that, is vein replacement. I had this performed during my PD surgery in 1998. Plaque and veins were removed and the veins were replaced with veins from my leg. It never worked consistently since. I was straighter after the surgery but the venous leaks prevent a “good” erection. The DICC and Color Doppler tests have confirmed what I already knew about the veins. The peniles injections may be a way to go for you. Have you worked with the injections yet? It is not as bad as it sounds.
Has anyone had any successful treatment of a penile venous leak? I’m 43 and it has gotten worse and worse over the last several years. I’m about to go see my 6th urologist. I’m beyond frustrated.
A pal of mine is emailing me it. I will let you know if it is good. Supposed to be all natural methods… combination of diet, hypnosis and exercises. My friend said it was good but let’s see. Just call me the guinea pig if you like.
Get back to you in a couple of months (the claim is that in two months you should notice an effect).